One of the overwhelming things we ask ourselves when thinking about our dechurched friends and neighbors is simply, “Where do we start?” For some, the answer is apologetics. We need to start, the thinking goes, by answering the defeater beliefs of our dechurched friends. So, step one: read up on our arguments. Prepare our minds. Now, just to be clear: this is good! It’s good to have clear and compelling answers in your back pocket for the dechurched.

But is this where we start?

I’d argue…not so much. Beginning the conversation with your dechurched friend as an argument is going to make both of you defensive. I’m not throwing away apologetics altogether. I just don’t believe apologetics is step one.

So what is step one?

Step one is: have a conversation that helps you determine what kind of dechurched friend you’re talking to.

One of the mistakes I think we’ve made in the Evangelical world regarding the dechurching movement is this: we’ve lumped everyone into a single category. The popular word we use for this is ‘deconstructing’. But over the years, I actually think the truly deconstructing are only a minority of those who’ve dechurched...even if they themselves use the word ‘deconstructing’. As I’ve spoken with the dechurched, I’ve quickly come to find there are the dechurched…and then there are the dechurched. Determining what kind of dechurched friend you have will set the entire trajectory of your conversation, so it’s absolutely key that we do this first.

In one of his comedy specials, Nate Bargatze tells the story of the worst comedy show he’s ever performed. It was a large business conference in Tampa, and Bargatze told all of his greatest jokes. No laughs. Nothing. At the end of the night, he concludes, “Sorry, I used to be able to do comedy. I guess I lost it.” To which the CEO responds,

“No, it’s not your fault. I realized halfway through your set that most of my employees don’t speak english.”

Well, yeah, that’ll do it! Listen: trying to speak to your dechurched friend without understanding why they’ve dechurched is a little like that. You can speak to them in your language all you like…but if you don’t understand their language, it’s all for naught. Treating every dechurched person as though they’ve deconstructed their faith will, in a strange way, propel them more toward deconstruction. “If everyone is saying I’m abandoning my faith for the things I’m experiencing…well, maybe I am.” I’ve sadly seen this happen countless times…but it doesn’t need to be this way. I believe there are millions of people who’ve stepped away from church but don’t need to be pushed toward deconstruction. One simple conversation that sets the trajectory for your work with your friend can change all that.

So, in order to help you have this first conversation, I’d like to give you four broad categories to think through. Which of these categories does your dechurched friend belong to? You’ll have to nuance these categories of course, because no one fits perfectly. But I’ve found that giving these four categories to my dechurched friends not only helps me understand where to take the conversation next…often, my dechurched friends find these categories incredibly helpful for articulating where they are in their faith journey, maybe for the first time. This, too, creates a positive atmosphere for the rest of our conversations.

1. The Doubting.

This is the person who is motivated to hear our apologetics answers. They don’t feel angry at the church, or personally burned. They are highly motivated to believe. However, there are cracks in the pavement. They have lingering doubts. Fears about faith, and themselves, they’ve never expressed. Maybe they’ve been shunned, or treated like an apostate, for being intellectually curious about faith. These folks do often want gracious, apologetics answers to their lingering doubts and concerns. Great!

Our task, then is to surprise them with a gracious, thoughtful answer to their doubts. Sometimes, after I spend some time with these folks, I ask, “So are you really deconstructing, or are you just experiencing the normal intellectual growing pains of following Jesus? Are you simply feeling doubt - and maybe even curiosity - about your Christian faith?’

Often, people in this category feel relieved. They’re not apostate after all…they simply need to know their questions are valid, and they’ve been thought through - oftentimes - by centuries of Christians who came before.

2. The Disillusioned.

When I present this category to people, I often receive the biggest “Aha!” moment. The disillusioned do likely have all sorts of doubts about faith. However, these are compounded by a growing feeling of disillusionment with what they’ve seen in the American church.

I personally believe - and statistics bear this out - the Disillusioned are a huge swath of those who’ve dechurched. Two decades ago when I left the church, this is where I was. I’d received good, thoughtful answers to my questions. That wasn’t the issue. The issue was the mismatch I saw between Jesus’ teaching, church history, and the American church culture I was participating in. I wasn’t disturbed that we American Christians were sinners, or even that prominent leaders often fell. I was disturbed by the fact that American Evangelicals did not even seem to have the same mission as Jesus, the early church, or even our protestant forefathers and mothers.

So do you know what I tell these folks who are disillusioned?

“Great! Your faith is trying to grow deeper.” For my faith to grow two decades ago, I had to grow past the vision of faith I’d been handed. I need to grow deeper into the global, historic church’s understanding of the gospel and our global mission to experience, embody and extend God’s kingdom to others.

This is why in my book, “The Light in Our Eyes”, I spend several chapters doing just this: I help us American Christians situate ourselves in history. How did we adopt our current vision of the Christian life? Then I contrast this with our historic protestant forefathers around the globe. This is what I needed as a disillusioned Christian: I needed someone to reintroduce me to Jesus’ bigger, better and more beautiful vision for the church.

3. The Deconstructing.

The truly deconstructing are those who are not simply doubting, or disillusioned, but have made a leap - consciously or unconsciously - into a secular framing of Christianity. To oversimplify things a bit, the truly deconstructing Christian has relocated all of the authority of the Christian faith in the self. This is why, often times, deconstructers will describe their deconstruction as redecorating a room. Someone else decorated this room. Now it’s my turn.

Years ago, as a truly deconstructing Christian, I would have said something like, “I love the teachings of Jesus. I don’t like Paul. I don’t like the Old Testament. I don’t like the church.”

Now, let me say: it takes some very skillful conversations to work with this person, but there is hope. They may be deconstructing, but they have not deconstructed. There’s still something to work with, here: the life and teachings of Jesus.

That’s why, in my conversations with the truly deconstructing - and in my book - I spend all of our time with the Jesus of the four gospels. Where did he think authority came from? What was his vision of the kingdom for us? Does it really square with the idea that Christianity is…my own personal room? Jesus, after all, doesn’t describe the Christian faith like a room. He describes it like a house that can be built on sand, or his word (Matthew 7:24-27). He describes it like a large village - a community - that we all belong to (Matthew 19:29). And he describes it as a place where we should be continually repenting for our cultural and sinful biases. After all, the first word of Jesus’ kingdom announcement is: “Repent, for the kingdom of God is at hand!” (Matthew 3:2).

4. The Departed.

The Departed are those who no longer see Christian faith as valid.

They are not hopeless cases.

For one, the departed may never have understood the gospel in the first place. They may never have seen the beauty of Jesus’ dreams for them, or the world around us. That’s why my task is often to reconnect their deepest longings with the true gospel of Jesus.

So often, I hear those who’ve departed from faith tell me they’ve done so in the name of love, beauty or freedom. But I don’t shun them for wanting these things. That’s because what this person needs is to see that their deepest dreams for love, beauty and freedom can never be achieved through secular categories. Only Jesus and His kingdom can bring us the love, beauty and freedom our hearts long for. This is why, in the last third of my book, “The Light in Our Eyes”, I try to show how the secular vision for these things is a dead-end. But Jesus doesn’t call us to deny these good desires in us.

Rather, he calls us to see that He is the deepest fulfillment of them.

Conclusion

If you feel overwhelmed by all this, I understand!

That’s why I wrote my book, “The Light in Our Eyes”. It’s meant to walk you (and your dechurched friend) through each of these conversations in a way that’s taken me years to figure out for myself. So, pick up a copy today for yourself, and one for your dechurched friend. I truly hope and pray it helps many find hope and restoration in the true gospel of Jesus…through you.